If pain & shame could talk…

Have you gotten curious about your struggle?

Curiosity is an interesting part of this journey. It’s a curious mind that leads us into the places that need healing.

The place behind closed doors, hidden away and boarded up. We walk passed them determining to never open the door. We got so good at it that we could walk by it and forget it was there because we became professional at compartmentalizing.

One day, Curiosity brought me back to the door that held back the secrets of addiction, trauma and pain that were running the show. Curiosity helped me to pry the boards off that door, place my hand on the old glass door knob and turn as I heard the squeaking of it’s rusted mechanics. The door was stuck shut because of the amount of time that it had been unused. I stick my shoulder into the door and give it a good push.

What is inside?

Curiosity got me to open the door but then it was Recovery’s turn to walk me into the room. Recovery was tall and strong. He It invited me in to sit. I imagine sitting on the old wooden planks, dusty and warped. There’s a light peering through the old stained glass window that is fogged and covered in webs. As I look around, I see some things that I had forgotten. Items much like the old toys you find in your attic.

I’d forgotten what Rejection looked like for young Michael. He hid behind a chair and looked at me with fear. Oh, I remember that look. Fear of failure, fear of being foolish and fear of being seen for who I really was. Yeah, me and rejection were super close. He knew he did wrong and that’s why I got the sense he was hiding. He really messed me up as a child and teenager. I just looked away because I had enough of him.

To the left, slumped over in his chair was pain. He looked exhausted. It was like he had just got finished running a marathon and couldn’t catch his breath. He looked overworked and needed a break. As I sat with Pain, I learned a lot. I listened as he described that feeling of never fitting in. He tried and tried but always felt different and flawed. Pain was strong. Although tired and worn, he was definitely fit for the job. I got the sense that He wasn’t always strong though. He wasn’t always so defensive and guarded. He explained how he first showed up in the teasing of other kids at the playground, the looks and laughs that felt like they would never stop. He grew however, as childhood despair looked easy compared to teen years where he teamed up with a good friend Isolation. He was by himself facing a corner. I never really got to see him. But Pain grew as the loneliness grew and I was faced with new things that scared me. New school, new “friends”, new place to live. It’s like those things fed him and he grew.

Pain was present from childhood into adulthood. He showed me how he was there in the discovery of my addiction. He was there during the extremely difficult discussions with my best friend. He was there towering over me when my first son had to have surgery at 4 years old and I never felt what I felt before. Pain was there when I faced the unexpected loss, when I struggled to find my place and when I saw my dreams die. Pain was there.

It seemed like hours had passed listening to Pain as he walked me through the depths of my life. And I felt it. I was in shock by this time. Hearing and reliving Pain’s experience and Rejection’s perspective. It was not easy but I was able to do it. It was as if I knew that I was being upheld by something stronger than myself. Normally I would have taken a look at these forms and ran for the door. I didn’t want to know what they had to say. But this time was different. This time Curiosity lead me here and I felt strong.

Towering over rejection and pain was the large form that represented masculinity. I remembered him all to well. I had just put him away so he was the most new and lively. He was the worst. Obnoxious wouldn’t do him justice. Always taunting me. Always pointing out how I was doing it wrong and how I couldn’t do it like him. I really hated him. He stayed with me a lot longer than some of the others. He was always there to judge me and bring me shame. I didn’t need to hear what he had to say, this time I just sat and recalled the times that Masculinity stole experiences and life from me. I was angry as I looked at that arrogant face. I remembered how He kept me from joining in and having fun because I knew I couldn’t do it like him. He made me feel inadequate and defective. As hard as I tried, I never measured up to him. It was like he was the standard and everyone knew it. Everyone could see how tall he was compared to me, how much more muscular and athletic he was. He was confident and attractive and had everything I wanted. But he only introduced me to another friend. Shame.

Oh Shame. You took the form of a sneaky scitsofrantic that couldn’t make up his mind. Were you for me or against me? Make up your mind. One minute you lead me to find addiction and then you yell at me for participating. YOU brought me here! You told me to do it. Now you are telling me how bad I am? I am so confused. Why are you doing this? Shame was really good at being my friend in private but he was the first one to throw me under the bus in front of others. He enjoyed being funny at my expense. He loved making me look stupid so he would look good. But once again, he’d come close and I’d take him back just for him to repeat this endless cycle once again. He was truly crazy.

About this time, I was feeling like my curiosity led me to this dark, old room just to make me sad. I sat there on the floor, looking around. Rejection cowering behind a chair peeking out here and there to see what was happening. Pain was breathing heavy and never seemed to catch his breath. Masculinity of course was just looking at his muscles and being an ass. And Shame, sneaking around the room out of his mind.

I felt like I had enough for the day. It was such a long time since I had been with them but I knew it was time for me to go. Shame pretended to want me to stay of course because he was two faced. Pain looked like he needed me, Rejection was too afraid to really care and Masculinity was too occupied with himself to see me starting to get up and move toward the door.

Recovery helped me to my feet as we walked to the door, I took a look back before leaving them again. This time I felt a bit differently. That day, in that room, curiosity led me to learn more than I had ever leaned about young Michael. As all of the words and stories flew through my mind that I had just spent hours listening to, I felt something. It was that lump in my throat. A surge of sadness mixed with compassion. My eyes welled up with tears and I thanked them. They didn’t expect a thank you after all of this and when I said it, it was as if for 5 seconds,they were still and effected by my emotion before returning to their deranged behaviors.

I walked out of the door with the help of Recovery. We turned the squeaky door knob and pulled the door shut. I stood there, looking at the door Recovery and Curiosity handed me a board to start securing the door as I had found it but something weird happened. I said , “no, we don’t need to board it back up, I will be back again soon for a visit.” Curiosity had a controlled surprised thrill on his face as he tried to cover it up and Recovery had a proud look on his face as if he knew I was going to do that.

I saw it. I gave a little smirk and headed back down the steep staircase.

Something changed in me that day. Something big.

You see, addiction is formed out of necessity. Addiction to porn and masturbation comes out of pain and trauma. Feelings that our young minds were not ready to hold and so we had to find survival in addiction.

So, what’s in that room for you?

I’d encourage you to take time with a coach or therapist to unpack this. If you set aside time to allow curiosity to lead you to that old door, make sure you show yourself compassion and allow yourself time to come back out of the room and into today. This can be done with meditation or just having a plan to decompress or connect with a friend.

I can’t promise what you find will make things better or fix it all, in fact, I can assure you it’s not going to magically fix everything but what I can promise is this practice will open you up to exploring more deeply the struggle that has been a part of your life for many years.

Please reach out if you need help.

I am here for this purpose. This is my purpose: to tell you that you are NOT alone. You are NOT defective. You are NOT a lost cause. You are NOT hopeless. You are loved. You are VALUABLE, NOW. Not when you fix yourself and have 5 years of sobriety, nope. NOW.

God LOVES you now as much as He will when you get cleaned up.