Tree of addiction

I was sitting in group therapy one night and something clicked.
I never thought that so much clarity would come from my therapist drawing of a tree on the white board.

Whenever I approached my addiction in the past, it was always me trying to not give in to porn that day or make it a week or even a month. I never got any deeper than self control and my own will. Then pair that with prayer and spiritual disciplines and I was lost and confused as to why it wouldn’t go away. I never thought that there was anything under that primal desire to lust and act out sexually.

That day I learned that my desire to watch porn was not the bottom of the barrel. Nope, it was just the beginning.

Picture the tree.

It’s a full grown, mature tree with lots of foliage and even fruit. Let’s just say it’s an apple tree. That’s easy.
Can you see it?

The Fruit

Those apples and leaves represent the porn addition, the numbing behaviors, the anxiety, depression, the controlling habit of masturbation that you can’t quit. They are all the result of something happening deeper within. It’s pretty normal to just see the fruit. Who really looks at an apple tree and wonders what the roots look like?

That tree’s fruit is all attributed to the root system of this tree.

The Roots.

The roots are where the life is held. Everything we see is based on the roots. Your root system has either produced unhealthy, damaging fruit or healthy, productive fruit. I’d dare to say most of us have a combo. When we are addressing destructive behaviors that we cannot kick, dealing with the fruit will not bring lasting change. The fruit may be gone for a time, but tree is working beneath the surface to produce more fruit to replace what is gone. It’s annoying, I know.

Torching the fruit.

Dealing with the fruit in order to have a healthy life looks like this.

Behavior modification. This is when we only try and treat the symptoms of our addiction, try harder, go 30 days with sobriety but then go right back. It’s controlling the process and expecting perfection. It’s staying on the surface level and not understanding why it’s not creating a lasting change. It’s only praying and not putting any action to our healing. It’s blaming everyone else and seei an ourselves as the victim.

Maybe you have done some of these things. You are thinking, “I set fire to the tree and it’s still able to grow fruit!” Yep, that is because those roots are still living and growing beneath the surface. Torching the fruit only lasts for so long.

Digging up the root.

If we are going to see lasting change in our lives, and break up with porn for good, then we are going to need to grab a shovel and start digging. It’s time to dig up those roots and begin to learn how we got here. We have to get curious about our addiciton. Why do I think that way? What did little Michael not get that he needed and turned to this behavior? What are the negative core beliefs that are being held on to and fueling the shame cycle? I’d like to mention that this is not an easy process but it’s completely necessary to kick any bad habit, addiction or unhealthy practice in our lives. Full Stop.

Here is what I have learned in digging.

The root of our fruit is made up of two things.

SHAME & TRAUMA

I’d like to take a moment to also add that a good amount of the time the roots have not necessarily been planted by us. Shame and Trauma will typically originate from situations or others that we could not control. This is both frustrating and a bit relieving. For so long we have shamed ourselves for so much of what we are facing or dealing with. (Please hear me. This does not excuse our behavior or choices, it simply shows us that there are many reasons as to why we may have turned to the destructive behaviors in our lives. This does not mean that you are a free from responsibility from your actions.)

These destructive behaviors have grown from shame and trauma. Everyone has a level of trauma and shame that is present. knowingly or unknowingly. Those of us who are curious and desire to be the best version of ourselves and show up for our spouses and families, we dig in and work in the roots.

So how do I dig into the roots?

Good question.

First, don’t do it alone. You need community for this. Find or start a group of guys that can relate to these addictions and help each other. There are groups in every city that you can attend to start working through things and being in community.

Next, get a coach. :) It is super helpful to have someone to help guide and ask those questions that just unlock the awareness and cultivate the emotional intelligence we need to succeed.

Lastly, do not give up. A very smart man once said to me, Recovery is often referred to as the “valley of disappointment”. Unlike getting addicted to porn, which happened quickly and then over time brought us to despair, recovery is a long, slow, one day at at time process and then you look back and realize you have made huge progress and are a different person.

Do not give up in the valley.