Why most men are miserable.
It’s a bold statement, I know.
If you are reading this, hang tight and I’m pretty sure you will be able to relate.
In a study by the American Health Association, they found that women are statistically more depressed then men, however men’s suicide rates are 3-4 times higher in men. Why is this?
We know that depression is best friends with suicidal thoughts and tendencis.
Let’s rewind to your and my childhood.
Can you relate to hearing these things when you were a young boy?
Boys don’t cry.
Suck it up.
Be a man.
Don’t be a sissy. ( or the p word that I don’t like that rhymes with it)
Quick acting like a girl.
Toughen up.
Control your emotions.
Do you remember hearing these type of masculine generalizations from a parent, relative, teacher or coach?
How does this relate?
Most men will not reach out for help when they are facing pressure, stress, depression, anxiety and contrasting emotions from what they were told to feel and not feel as a child.
Let me be clear.
You are no less a man because you feel emotion. You are no less a man when you cry, when you see the Barbie movie with your girlfriend or wife or any other stereotypical “non masculine” thing that you have believed.
I’m pretty sure what makes you a man are chromosomes and a penis. (Although not these days. EYE ROLL.)
In 2024, we are still dealing with a society that still thinks therapy, asking for help and acknowledging adverse feelings is a weakness. For a long time, depression was more associated with the female population, however more men are susceptible to depression disorder when they hold tight to the traditional masculine ideologies like strength and stoicism. The reason we don’t see that is because we don’t ask for help. We internalize our battle and think we can just muscle through.
Men, it’s ok to not be ok. There are so many factors that contribute to depression for us. There are so many struggles and pressures that we face and we need to acknowledge in order to start getting some help.
For many years I ignored the symptoms of depression and anxiety disorder. I grew up in a home where we didn’t focus on the negative. We tried to push those feelings away and concentrate on and meditate on the positive. That is great in theory until we are all ignoring our feelings and emotions and then explode one day. I came close.
I remember feeling like life sucked and I wasn’t happy with where I was. I had stress in so many areas, I couldn’t escape it. Here I was, working in church for most of my life and secretly struggling with depression, anxiety and addiction. I was in denial and shame for most of my life. When I got into my 30’s everything heightened. It wasn’t as easy to ignore the effects of my depression. I couldn’t hide my addiction and it’s life damaging results. I remember laying in bed in my parents basement. I had three kids that were growing and a beautiful wife that I didn’t and don’t deserve. This is when I first experienced anxiety attacks. That was new.
I remember two instances very well. My family and I and our best friends were at the beach and walking on the dock while we finished up crabbing. (Jersey shore thing) I don’t remember what we were all talking about but I just remember starting to cry and then move ever so smoothly into a full on sob. I had no idea what was happening. I was breaking down and didn’t know why. This was just one release of my anxiety and stress. The next times were similar. It was my birthday and everyone was there to celebrate me. I was in such a dark place and couldn’t even think about receiving that attention. I felt sick. I was up and downstairs laying in my bed and then forcing myself to get up and try and fake it. Then it came time to sing happy birthday, oh shit. I went up stairs, stuck it out just enough to let them finish the song, refused cake and cried in the hall with my wife. No one knew what I was going through but it was so heavy. These days were ominous and filled with breathing exercises and laying in bed with a wet rag on my head. I couldn’t move and just wait for it to pass.
(This is where I will praise my wife for being so supportive and an amazing partner. She must have been thinking, what the F is going on with my husband? But she was so gracious and loving through the entire time, and into today.)
So, there were some practical things that I needed to change in order to help with stress and pressure. I did what I felt I needed to do for my mental health. I gave notice at my job and I began seeking help. (Just to be clear, that sentence is really like 2 years long) It was not a quick fix.
What was the point of this big ramble? I had to come face to face with my reality. If I stuck to the ideas of how masculinity was portrayed and modeled, I would have just suffered in silence and eventually have a devastating end.
Years later, much therapy and a addiction recovery program, I can say that the greatest thing I could have learned in life was emotional intelligence. I had to learn how to feel my feelings. I had to learn how to identify my emotions. It’s amazing what that will do.
You see, most of us men won’t ever touch this idea because it feels silly or we look weak. Let it be known, if that is what measures my strength, Michael is a weeeeaaaak man. Of course I don’t actually believe that, I think I am stronger than most of the male population not because of my bench press but my emotional intelligence and ability to live congruently.
I just turned 40. (sigh. I’m still trying to grieve it.) I still have anxiety, I was diagnosed two years ago with significant depression and anxiety disorder, but I have tools and I am healthier than ever.
If you can relate to these things, then let me give some advise. Don’t accept the silent struggle of depression, anxiety or even addiction. Seek help today. You are not weak because you need help, you are strong for recognizing it and acting on it. It doesn’t have to control or dominate you. There is help and you are NOT alone.
So, Men, let’s not be content with just muscling through and holding on tight to the damaging effects of “being ok”.
Miserable living does not need to be our path.
What is your next step to making change?
Maybe it’s talking to your partner.
Book a coaching session for support.
Call a friend.
You’ve got this.
